So well I'm here again XD cause my work is still done lol and I have a bit more time for myself these days and I really want to keep on expressing myself here for my self-healing and I feel the urge to write again aaaaand... writing it is! 😎✌
I just need more followers and readers to interact with now LOL but everything will come in its due time. My community will find me. 💖
So today I feel very, very calm, I did the chores, cleaned my beautiful kitchen, fixed and ironed some clothes, cooked an amazing, super tasty pot of spaghetti, joined the gym to improve my health and I'm starting some Zumba lessons tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to, although I know that in less than five minutes I will be dead on the floor gasping for some air lol. It will be fun. I'm also smoking less cause I want to laugh at the top of my lungs again, mum is well and well taken-care of, and I feel super calm in the very, very positive sense... I am even listening to some amazing zen flutes that I will share with you in this post, instead of my usual techno hahah, cause I'm finding them equally orgas... eh... dopaminergic. That's it, dopaminergic.
And as I was feeling this peace, and meditating, like in a sort of very pleasant slumber, my mind has brought back memories from my past that I didn't think about for a long, long time, probably because my brain is finally starting to feel safe and quitting fight-or-flight mode, and I'm ready to face some truths about myself. And I remembered vividly one particular day from almost twenty years ago.
I don't remember the year, but it was my birthday. I was doing a Gestalt psychology training course, and throughout the dynamics with the course mates you established very raw and deep connections, both positive and negative, and now, only now I realise how beautiful and amazing it was to connect so authentically with those people, all of them no exceptions.
And I connected a lot particularly with three other women, my Francisca, ,my Xisca and my Cristina, and I was in my twenty-somethings back then if I remember well, they were in their fifties or almost there, and yet we were friends at the exact same level. The conversations we had were amazing, we laughed a lot (I was of course the major clown of the group), we talked about reality and spirituality, we shared our fears, our moments of sadness, our struggles, our achievements, our techniques to overcome anxiety and reach some inner peace when facing a crisis. There was no judgement, although we were free to express our opinions, which were always respected, and although sometimes some conflict arose, we were always there for each other, and we supported each other by phone many, many, many times. I learned an awful lot from these three girls, cause they were much more experienced and down-to-earth and knew what life was about and at the time I was a hopeless idealist adamant not to even take the slightest look at reality. And I realise now it was the perfect friendship, precisely because it was imperfect, and therefore absolutely real, profoundly real.
And we had one thing in common, which was that the three of us were super bored with our love lives lol. I was a total dork (which I still am) who couldn't even catch the eyes of literally any man back then, and I was extremely frustrated because of that, while I didn't have even the slightest clue about seduction or know how to dress up decently and much less pull off some acceptable make up. And they were divorced, the three of them, the three of them with good jobs and with grown-up children. When I think of it now, I was super different, and they sort of adopted me as if I was another one more of their kids, and that was much, much needed at the time. I really see and appreciate that now.
And I remember we had many, many special moments of connection and fun. I remember New Years' Eves spent with them doing rituals to attract prosperity and a good and handsome man lol, and driving late at night while we sang on top of our lungs so that Xisca didn't fall asleep while driving, and going out and Xisca taking the stand to sing with the singers, and exchanging books, and giving each other presents, always related to spirituality and self-growth, or things hand-made by us. And Francisca was like a sea of peace, always calm and collected, Cristina was super wise and extremely practical and down-to-earth, and Xisca? She was a total rock star pure creative expression lol I bet she still is. And I was the eclectic one, the one who was Indie, who wanted to become a famous writer and live outside the norms, my life, my rules. And we playfully said we were the Mallorcan version of Sex and the City, as we were as clumsy and hopeless as them as regards our love interests. And I see it now, I see it now that it was absolutely amazing to be part of their group.
And for that birthday of mine's day, I had prepared a present for them, cause I've always given presents to my people instead of just receiving them for my birthdays, it's a custom of mine that makes me feel super happy and is sacred to me. And it had been mere days before that I had taken (and fortunately passed!) an exam for my degree in English Philology of English phonetics, and I had practised so, so much that for the first time in my life I could pronounce in an almost native way, and I felt euphoric, as if my avatar body had unlocked a new skill in a video game lol. And of course I felt playful, and thought deeply of how to use my new powers to make a fool of myself for my people's amusement. I remember that I called my mum from a friend's phone and convinced her for quite a few minutes that I was an English tourist spending a few days in Mallorca, speaking very faulty Spanish in a very, very marked British accent, asking for the prize of the laundrette. And she kept telling me, ¡señorita se ha equivocado, esto no es una lavandería!, and I was literally peeing myself in laughter.
So I planned something big for my girls during the birthday dinner they were preparing for me, and I got a pair of enormous, very exaggerated and flowery sunglasses and a straw blonde wig, with very long hair, and some colourful clothes to make me look like a caricature of a British tourist. So that you got an idea, with the costume on I was literally the Wish version of Paris Hilton with the bonus of plenty of spots on my face. Damn I don't know if I even keep the pics, if I find them I'll post them here lol. And I prepared and rehearsed with dedication a a crazy monologue, and damn I don't even remember what it was about but I do remember it was quite hilarious, about what a tourist might say about Mallorca and about Spanish-English bad translated expressions, and of course about men, and the night of my birthday, before they got me by car to go to Xisca's house, I hid it all in a bag that I was carrying with me and said nothing. We got to the place and we had dinner talking and laughing as usual, and they gave me their presents (books, if I remember it well), and after dessert and coffee I said I had to go to the bathroom for a moment. They stayed at the terrace still talking (it was still warm in September) while in the bathroom I put on the costume, put on some exaggerated lipstick and went back to the terrace, ready for my audience.
And I was not me of course who came back to the terrace, it was that Wish version of Paris Hilton, and they were super shocked when they saw me and, immediately joining the game, laughed their asses of while we started interacting as if I was indeed that British tourist talking about the Mallorcans and Mallorca and Spain in general and Spanish men and their butt-cracks (I do remember that now yes lol, I said something about men and their butt-cracks xD) and stuff. And I remember them now so vividly, these three grown-up girls, literally crying out and screaming in laughter, they couldn't even keep their heads up, Xisca even said she had to go to the bathroom cause she literally peed a little, and it was simply beyond amazing. And we took plenty of pics, and after that we continued fooling around, they put on the wig and the glasses in turns to take more pics, and Xisca took out a sexy red dress and I put it on and with the wig on she took more pics of me, and we laughed our asses off much, much more.
And this night, this exact night kept so fondly in my memories, is the literal definition of perfect friendship for me. Absolutely. Perfect. Friendship.
And I am such an idiot that I didn't value that.
With time, our perfect Sex and the City group dissolved. My poor and dear Francisca was sick with Multiple Sclerosis, and she started to deteriorate. It was super hurtful to see, cause it not only affected her body, but also her cognition and emotional state. She started to lose her natural peace, to isolate herself, to get lost in a dark train of thoughts. Xisca and Cristina did not always see each other eye to eye, and I started seeing either one or the other, never the two of them together. But, above all, men. the four of us pursued a love interest, and whenever a man appeared on the horizon we focused on that man and sorta forgot about our friendship, which, after all, was always there right? The moment I met Dan, I was only speaking to Cris, and rarely, and for whatever reason she didn't want to meet Dan nor go to our wedding, she kept making excuses, and I was super furious at her for that and everything went to absolute crap. That was around twelve years ago no less.
Maybe, or even probably, our interactions didn't mean so much for them, but it did for me. It was a kind of frienship that I really, really needed in my life at the time, and I feel super blessed to have experienced it. And I didn't value it. Cause I was super focused on doing what a "normal and successful girl" should do at that age and my ideas of social acceptability and they involved a man, and marriage, and maybe kids, and so on and so forth. And my eyes saw nothing else apart from that.
Now I know better. I know it's a very bad idea to do something because society dictates you are successful only if you have it. I know that pouring all your energies onto a single person, expecting that this person will be so kind to reciprocate, is an utter mistake. And I know that not everybody is tailored for what society dictates. I was not tailored for marriage, and I thank God every day I haven't had kids. I love kids, particularly as regards their education I'm truly dedicated to know the best ways to turn them into amazing human beings, fully developed to their best potential and prepared to achieve and keep happiness, but I would have been a disaster of a mother. Why? Because I would have been so obsessed and anxious to make it right as a mother that it would have been completely unbearable for me, and for my poor kids, and I see it very clearly now.
And now I see that the Universe can't be contained in a single person; the Universe is contained in the Universe. I have too much energy and it's too intense for focusing it all on a partner, I need to spread the love to many people, to anybody who needs it or wants it, and I don't mean at the sexual level, I mean at the level of soul connection. At the level of being there for you, and you for me, and we see each other, and enjoy seeing the beauty of each other, and simply that is a full-blown mystical experience. Yes, the perfect friendship is, for me, a way to connect to God. I may be weird, likely a bit crazy, or a 60s hippie at heart, but I'm only satisfied and calm if I belong to anyone and to no one at the same time, just spreading the love to whomever needs it from me, in its simplest purity, even if it's hard at times. And yes, I consider it a spiritual path.
So my beautiful Sex and the City in Mallorca group is just a fond memory now, and yet it taught me so much about perfect friendship, which is precisely what I am seeking now... The perfect soul connections. And as I wait for the right people to appear I spread the love, and I spread the knowledge, and I spread the crazy cause good crazy is super therapeutic, and I am doing things every day to make people laugh, and reflect, and think for themselves, and experience, and learn. And I do love so many people now, I am utterly and honestly in love with so many people, Platonically, but very, very authentically. If they are good, and kind-hearted, and beautiful souls, I simply fall in love with them that's it. And it's beautiful, and pure, and epic, even if it scares the crap out of some individuals, cause yes love is scary and soul connections are super scary. But we won't have the chance to connect to anyone or love anyone when we are rotting in the cold bed of the grave, so let's better do it now while we are still warm, while we still have a heart. So while I breathe, I took the vow to become the perfect Lover of Humanity, with all its beauty and all its not-so-beautiful shades.
And I think it's super tragic when I still see women leaving their friendships behind because of a partner, cause you might be lucky and feel super fulfilled with your decision, or you mightn't. And if the latter happens, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna end up divorced and alone at home while listening to techno and thinking about your past more than twenty years ago just to fill your mind with anything? Lol. No, one person is just one tiny piece of the Universe, they're not the Universe in its entirety. Even if you find the perfect Soul Mate, you still will need friends. You will need them, cause the human being is hard-wired to connect to many aspects of ourselves, and only through our interactions with others we can attain this global vision, this totality of All That Is.
So today I'm inviting you to be Cosmic, and whatever you choose to do in life, value your friends. They are your most faithful reflection. Thank you for reading me my people as usual, and always know that you're very deeply loved. Peace be with you 💖
Dedicated, with all my love, to our beautiful Sex on the City in Mallorca group.
María Concepción Pomar Rosselló
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