So today fortunately it was a much calmer day than yesterday, and my ex is finally actively going to employment agencies and actually looking for a job so that I don't have to pay all our debts just on my own, and I am granting myself the Grace of being hopeful, at least for tonight, at least for a couple days, and as usual here I am again engaged in my night writing therapy after finishing work, which I have to say is one of my truest Loves. Tomorrow I have a meeting to design a lecture for the rest of the professors at VIU and I can't be more motivated and grateful for this new opportunity to communicate and spread the lil knowledge that I may have to anybody that might consider it, analyse it, and ultimately benefit from it.
And as yesterday night I talked about my beautiful and affectionate girl crush on Frida Kahlo, I will dedicate tonight's post to my main male crush: the English actor and producer Tim Roth. 😎😍
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| My man stands in front of me and looks at me like this and I literally RUN TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET 🙈 |
I remember when I saw Tim Roth on screen for the first time, it was while still in my marriage, and on TV they were playing some episodes of Lie To Me (2009-2011), a super interesting show about learning to read micro expressions in people, to try and guess if they're being honest or not judging by their involuntary reactions, amongst other emotional cues reflected inevitably in our faces. This show is super good and is and will always be one of my favourite shows ever featured on TV, to the extent that later on I got several books about micro expression reading lol, yeah I am that level of obsessed. 😎👌
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| If you are into this topic, I really recommend this book, super honest stuff, and I learned a lot from it, in a very practical manner |
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| This one is also super good, but some of the stories portrayed in it are quite unsettling. But truth out there is unsettling quite too often, right...? |
Of course there are also excellent books about reading body language in general, although I wouldn't mention them today cause the post, as usual, would be too long, so there's material for another day. The good thing about these books is that they guide you and train you to notice, and yeah it is super useful at first as a curious superpower, but, with time, you integrate that learning, and it's not a conscious thing, it's a skill that has helped you attune much more acutely with your intuition and natural perception, and helps you read "the vibe" (I know I know I always talk about vibes lol) of a picture or a person much, much better. And it works, cause I've had several occasions already in which I were to guess how a friend was truly feeling judging by a picture, and I was spot on, and could connect with and support that person accordingly. So yeah, totally good investment if you are into delving in the fascinating, super beautiful twists and turns of the human relationships that you value.
Although hey, if you are over-sensitive of rejection, I do not recommend exploring this topic more in depth until you develop and reinforce some solid self-esteem and objective acceptance muscles in this regard, cause, believe me, and nothing personal here, but you'll soon discover that far less people around you like you as much as you originally think XD
So I got introduced to the show that day, became fascinated with it, cause it looked much more instructional and applicable than the typical detective shows like C.S.I. and others that are more focused on entertainment, and yes the theories and examples exposed in the show are totally fitting judging by the few books I read, and yet...
... my first reaction, upon seeing it on the screen for the first time, was uuuummm... 😶
I have always had a penchant for more mature men, cause they look more experienced, down-to-earth, worn out, and honestly fed up with everything already. I love the whatever attitude of this type of dudes, cause, even if they're being honest and good and kind and approachable, like my man Keanu Reeves is, they've already realised that the norms of politeness and good conduct are not always the best choices as regards the challenges you have to face and the people you have to deal with in life, and their humour is different, much more cultivated, they are not scared to express themselves in a cheeky manner, and, basically, have become more calm and collected and yet more "devilish" as regards their charming arts. And this is fun and exciting to an intelligent, resourceful woman who loves a challenge. So yeah, couldn't help it, I saw on screen currently 62-year-old Tim and I thought wow, my man is sexy?
Let's watch the show a bit more, I said to myself, lol.
So there we were, Dan and I, already deep in crisis, watching the show on Netflix years later together in bed while eating popcorn and bored to death, and he was like hey this show is super intelligent, I feel like rewatching it from the start, and I was uh oh aha...
Lol.
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| You see pictures of Tim Roth, and you notice above all an incredible mastery of the art of expression. My man sure knows how to pull a face, no wonders taking into account that he's been a professional, awarded and skilled actor since the 80s. He is also renown for his amazing capacity to imitate accents ☝ |
And I love this type of male characters on screen of a certain age that look or openly are erratic, that at some point decided that lol whatever, for bad and for good, and there're many of those in very popular modern shows and even some classics in cinema already, like Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad (2008-2010), Hugh Laurie in House (2004-2012), Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski (1998), James Spader in The Blacklist (2013-2023), Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society (1989), Awakenings (1990), The Fisher King (1991) and Good Will Hunting (1997), and many others. Men whose tendency to defy the norm, even if they are eventually a positive influence for the people around them and make good service to society (or not), makes them look dangerous, cause they look super in control and out-of-control at the same time, depending on their whim, and that triggers a very toxic mothering instinct in the women or even in the mere friends around them, who love them and can't help but try and rescue them from themselves. Women of a certain age as well, also, and I want to point out that I love that women on screen have many more chances now to continue working thanks to the growing tendency of having much more visibility in the current cinematic productions, and access to better, more-rounded roles, cause life for a woman does not end at 29 you know lol.
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| My girl Meryl Streep is doing a beyond excellent work in showing all the current World that a woman of a certain age can perform all kinds of roles, in comedy, romance, drama, even musicals, opening the door for many future actresses, and I would bet my left hand (cause I'm a leftie lol) that it hasn't been one single bit easy. Thank you for your work super Lady of the Screen 💃 |
So yeah, I like this kind of dudes, maybe I don't fall in love with them unless they are super beautiful and inspiring Souls (like my man Keanu is), but I find them sexy, and many of my book characters conduct themselves like this. And yet, I felt something special about Tim Roth... I felt far more drawn to him than to any other of my cinematic crushes, and I didn't know why. In most of his movies and dramatic roles, Tim Roth has played the baddie, and, apart from his role as Cal Lightman in Lie To Me, I know him particularly for his steady collabs with Tarantino throughout Reservoir Dogs (1992), Pulp Fiction (1994, with the famous "I love you honey bunny" scene played by my man :D), and, above all, the mega glorious 4 Rooms (1995), a movie that I never, ever fail to watch on New Years' Eve lol.
And I just didn't know why, just why, this man in particular caught so much my attention.
So I decided, after my divorce, at a moment when I felt playful and I had no work, no chores to do, to investigate him a bit more deeply lol.
And I didn't like what I found out.
Cause it utterly and completely broke my heart to pieces.
In December 2016, Tim Roth confessed that he had been sexually abused by his own grandfather when he was a child. A man who had also abused his own child, Roth's father.
The actor hid this fact from everyone until he started revealing it in 1999, avoiding though naming the culprit (he would do that later), during the promotion of the drama The War Zone (1999), a movie he himself directed, and which precisely deals about this same topic.
Based on a book by the novelist Alexander Stuart of the same title (1989), yeah, but also... on his own fuckin experience.
Imagine the eonic, superhuman, multiversal balls of my man that always plays the part of the bad and the dangerous guy, that he has faced bravely this fuckin incommensurable horror and refused to keep silent, adamant not to look the other way and pretend it didn't happen, no... instead, he faced these demons to the point of being able to direct a whole movie about it, with all the time and effort that producing a movie implies.
And the thing is, whenever you've gone through a trauma like this, you are left with some nice phantasmal gifts to help you remember that event forever: the triggers. A trigger, in psychology, is a stimulus from the environment that inevitably produces a "journey back" to the moment of the abuse, with all the anxiety and distress it implies. It can be an image, words, smells, a person trying to contact you... Generally speaking, it is adviced that traumatised people avoid triggers as much as they can.
Yet imagine what producing a movie about abuse implies... Daily triggers, daily reminders, every minute, every day, being re-triggered for fuckin years until the movie is produced and released.
I haven't watched the movie, and I know I won't watch it, cause I know myself, and I know I'd end up throwing up on the floor, cause, from what I've read, its super crude and exposes things directly without lies or make-ups, and I'd rather not go through that not even for cultural and informative purposes, but you can sense in the trailer already that eveything has been detailed to a T: a lifeless, sordid and very dark grey environment sorta isolated in time and space, the rain, the anguished and silenced screams one can sense below the surface during the characters' interactions, the uncomfortable and violent submission, the bunker, the symbolism of the cuts and bruises, the prevalence of black lights and pale, unhealthy faces. And the compliance. The lack of defiance. The defencelessness. The acceptance of the "I am also bad" assigned role in the girl's attitude.
In the comments of these YouTube videos, many people say they couldn't even finish watching the film, so wretchedly triggering it was.
And that's a lot of deepening into the triggers, if you happen to have experienced stuff like this yourself.
And my man Tim was not only deepening, he was actively producing those triggers himself. Vomiting them out of his body, like my girl Frida did to vomit out her pain through her paintings.
The expression of art as a form of exorcism against our own demons, once again.
And I realise that that's what makes me fall in love with the Soul of people, the fact that they faced Hell without even a single weapon, nor any means to defend, and they not only survived, but chose Life, and prevailed, and not only that but they also turned their trauma in a fuckin work of art, art from which other people may get educated and learn. And I like this stuff. I'm this kinda girl I guess.
Speaking for Hollywood.com, in 2014, Roth said: "All I can do is offer up what hopefully is an accurate portrayal of what it feels like to be a victim... and also to be an abuser, probably."
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| Speaking for The Guardian, in 2019 my man said "As messy as your life can be, there has to be a window you can escape through". Of course I know nothing, like Jon Snow lol, but I would bet Roth's friendship and collab with Tarantino has been a powerful escape window for him |
So look at my man, he went through all this, and yet had the hairy bollocks to prevail and lead a normal and successful life, and get married, to the super stunning fashion designer Nikki Butler, in 1993, and had two children with her.
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| I totally, completely, utterly and absolutely adore this pic and its vibes 😍💓 |
Roth not only has led a successful life, he's super cultivated. Apart from English, he also speaks fluent French, German, and Italian, a skill he has benefited from in some of his roles. He is also into music, AND, and OMG I LOVE him for that, he's an Ambassador for UNICEF, an activist for the human rights and the environmental preservation, has performed in rock music shows against racism, and has contributed in the ILO campaign against forced labour, modern slavery and human traffiquing.
But what impresses me the most is that my man, having gone through all this, healed the trauma to the point that he was capable of performing very suggestive scenes in his movies, such is the amazing therapeutic power of theatre and drama, and the power of a human person truly determined to heal and overcome any. fuckin. thing. thrown. at. him. no. excuses. whatsoever. Below, the trailer of Captives (1994) with Julia Ormond. NSFW lol.
And lo and behold, it's not that my man Tim Roth is resistant to triggers... It's that he has a bowl full of fuckin triggers with his cereal and coffee every morning. I wish I was a quarter of that fuckin strong about my own triggers, for real. And my hurts are not even 10% as daunting.
There are truly impressive and inspirational people out there.
And I wish I could stop writing here, believe me that I wish I could.
But I can't.
As if having to overcome all this trauma so gracefully hadn't been enough, my good man Tim has had to endure another major hurt, and it needs to be mentioned.
In 2022, Cormac Roth, Roth and Butler's youngest son, and a promising musician, died at the age of 25 of stage 3 germ cell cancer.
And I want to underline this, cause it hurts super much. And it's important to underscore it:
Tim Roth had to endure being hurt by his family, people who were meant to protect him, and later on, in life, he has lost his son; a son, whom you always swear to protect.
And I even feel tears in my eyes writing this, cause I can't even start to fathom what this good man has had to go through.
AND YET,
THERE he fuckin is, producing, right now, in this very moment, his latest movie Punch. In which he deals with the issue of alcoholism, and another brave and controversial topic: homophobia.
This is the picture of a man who is fuckin determined NOT to give up in Life, in spite of the accumulation of the most horrible losses.
I told you so... I only fall in Love with the most amazing, bright and cultivated Souls out there.
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| Dearest readers of this blog, may I ask you a favour? Can someone please silence a lil bit this poor young woman? I'm starting to feel second-hand embarrassment of such unhinged fangirling 😑 |
And my man Tim will always have my most profound admiration, my most devoted blessings for him and his loved ones, and the truest gratitude of my heart for being such a strong and clear voice against abuse, proof that one can fully recover from any fuckin thing in this life, and an incredibly unwavering source of activism, creativity, expression, and inspiration.
Thank you for being here and for reading, as usual. You've got all my Love my people, you know it. 💖
María Concepción Pomar Rosselló
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